Ever since we got back from our mini vacation Sunday, my digestive system has been wrecked. I feel like I need to start all over again to reboot my system. I’m not sure if it was the volume of food or going out to eat a couple of times or the reintroduction of nuts. I’ve been trying to be budget friendly with my groceries so maybe my quality of food is affecting me as well. All I know is it sucks. Every night I have had awful pain and am usually pretty bloated. I don’t know what the deal is but I know I need to do everything in my power to fix it.
Let’s talk about guilty pleasures for a minute. After speaking with a friend last night, I realized I had not ‘indulged’ on my favorite treat in 25 days. 26 days today. Frozen yogurt was my jam. Seriously, if one food could make me happy, that would be it! I’m not going to spend a lot of time here and focus on it because it will make it unbearable to resist. I am proud of going this long without it. I used to get it 2-3 times a week. A WEEK! And I’m talking minimal yogurt and LOTS of toppings. All the toppings. All the unhealthy, gut busting toppings. My closest thing to frozen yogurt right now is some frozen berries topped with coconut cream.
I had a mini breakdown in Wilmington. It was bad. I almost let it ruin the trip. Wilmington has a Kilwin’s and if you don’t know what that is…. let’s just say they make their own waffle cones by the window and you can smell it forever. You cannot unsmell that smell. There is also a fondue restaurant that has a great fondue dessert. So there we were, sitting at dinner, and I said screw it. Let’s get fondue after this. Weston wasn’t having it. He kept reminding me how I would regret it tomorrow and it wouldn’t help me in any way except make me feel crappy. I tried to justify it by saying we were on vacation and it was the last night of my cleanse and I wanted to live a little! He was not having it at all. He was very firm in his no but loving as well. So then we walk by Kilwin’s again and I am dying on the inside. We walked by a store that had some fruit and I went in to get an apple. Their produce was in poor shape. It was actually kind of disgusting. BUT they had Larabars. I held one up and another firm ‘No Kara’ and that drove me to the point of silent tears. We walked up and down the streets as I hung my head and declared how unfair it was. I was still really hungry. Or maybe thirsty. I went for hungry though so we stopped at a restaurant I could eat at and got me some more food. And a mug of bacon. A MUG OF BACON. Noms. They had it listed as an appetizer but let’s get real, that’s just a side item.
I miss certain foods really terribly. It is a constant struggle in my head to just say forget it and indulge on everything and not worry about it. I did that in January and if you know me, you know I packed on 20+ pounds FAST. I am struggling to lose half of that now. I think at that point in my life, I had a somewhat healthy relationship with food but was not fully equipped to be in a party situation where there were a lot of unhealthy food choices. I remember that night and the food that caused my downward spiral. No self control. No holding back. I called it ‘bulking.’ I wasn’t working out though. So there is that! I know my health is the most important aspect in this journey. Aesthetics and strength come after that. I have to focus on the health part first. That means my body and my mind. I have to get my mind right and in line with God’s word or my body isn’t going to follow. I have learned that while I still have a damaged relationship with Christ that I am trying to fix, I can’t do this journey without Him. I have relied on scripture to get me through my struggles and constant head battles. I don’t want the disappointment others would feel come to life. I used to never listen to Weston when it came to food because I would just get angry. Not at him particularly, but at his firmness and lovingness. It was like I didn’t want that at the time but the strong love was what I needed. I just chose not to listen to him. I don’t want to let him down now. He doesn’t hold me accountable all the time and I’m okay with that. I think that I am doing pretty good without a real accountability partner although it would be nice. I’m trying to hold on to the truths that God gives me and let those guide my way.
PS. Whole30 day 26.