Tag Archives: scripture

Confession time

Well. I don’t even know how to start this. I was completely fine. I had a bit of a stressful day. My mother-in-law has the boys so I have been running around all morning running errands. I  had a very unsuccessful gym session in which I did maybe 2 lifts and left. I couldn’t get into it. I don’t know why but I couldn’t. I ended up sharing testimonies with a trainer there so that wasn’t time wasted at all.

I took my dad out to lunch. Something didn’t sit right with me. I think it might have been the yams. I don’t know what they were mixed with but they had some sort of coating. Not so much a coating, but a sauce. Most likely canned yams with God knows what. I came home to sort out my groceries and portion out meat for the week. I started mindlessly snacking on banana chips. They don’t even taste that great but they are plain and there. So I snacked and snacked. That’s when the craving hit me. Frozen yogurt. It hit hard. I justified it beyond belief in my mind. I got up to go to the fridge, determined to fight it. I ate an apple. Didn’t help.

I got in my car and left. I got the biggest bowl and filled it with all the crap I could. I ate every. last. drop. THEN, I ate a coconut secret’s mint chocolate bar. Not horrible but definitely doesn’t help my cravings.

Now, I’m sitting here trying to sort out everything running through my brain. My hormones are out of whack from that one indulgence. My hormones are telling me that I am still hungry, trying to convince myself to eat more and more and more. My body, on the other hand, is completely stuffed. I cannot imagine even eating another morsel of food today because I feel like I am going to burst. All it takes is one meal to completely throw off your bodies balance. ONE MEAL. ONE SNACK. ONE INDULGENCE. Not to mention the addictive qualities of the sugar and gluten I consumed HOURS ago. It makes me want more and more and more. I’m not going to eat more.

Normally, I would give in to everything right now. Hey, I already fell off the wagon, might as well turn around and go to the nearest candy store and make them go out of business. Not this time. I don’t operate like that anymore. I slipped up one time.

I texted my husband and confessed to him what I did. God was telling me way before I left the house to reach out to him but I ignored Him. Wes would have talked me out of it. He would have told me everything I already know and maybe I would have listened. But I didn’t. I almost didn’t tell him at all. Even afterwards. That is a real addicts personality right now. Ashamed, eating in secret. I didn’t want to be associated like that. So I told him and held my breath for his reply. He wasn’t mad. I thought he would be but he wasn’t. That made me feel somewhat better. I was in tears texting him. But once he told me he wasn’t upset with me and to just pick myself up and move forward, I felt instantly better. I disappointed myself, for sure. I know he was disappointed too but he wasn’t mad. Not like before anyways. After I would confess about my in secret binge-fests, I could always see it in his face. He even took food out of my hands and threw it away because I was stuffing myself full of it knowing dang well that I was going to make myself sick.

That’s what it takes. Someone to step in and hold you accountable. Honestly, he has been the only person that has been supportive of me and my dietary needs. No one else understands addiction like a former addict. I need him to be there for me when I am going through these temptations. Not only him, but I turn to God too. I  have my go to scripts that I recite out loud and in my head. I have my scripture that I meditate on. It helps. I mentally pray. I have yet to pray out loud about this. I feel like if I pray out loud it will make it more real. I have a journal that I write it but I don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve written in it. UGHHHHH.

God knows I’m here. He knows that I am struggling. He provides me with what I need even if I don’t flat out ask for it. He knows me better than I know myself. I mentioned the other night in small groups, I think that I have so many God stories because He knows how quickly I am to go back on everything and doubt myself and my faith. He always gives me constant reminders that He is here and He has it under control.

I’ve been reading the Made To Crave devotional on the bible app. (And I am a couple of days behind). Yesterday’s or the day before hit really close. I had misquoted my go to verse and I ended up looking up the verses that I said instead of my verse. 1 Corinthians 10:13. Still completely applicable to my journey with this food addiction. “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” God is so faithful. He has been faithful even before I acknowledged his presence. My story is a clear indicator of that.

I know I am going to beat this addiction. I know it. I can feel it deep in my bones because God has my back. He is my Father and He protects his sons and daughters.

I totally didn’t mean for this to turn into a Godfest but apparently He did. Sharing my struggle can help others and that’s all I could ask for. I wouldn’t wish this struggle on my worst enemy.

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Vacation blues…

Ever since we got back from our mini vacation Sunday, my digestive system has been wrecked. I feel like I need to start all over again to reboot my system. I’m not sure if it was the volume of food or going out to eat a couple of times or the reintroduction of nuts. I’ve been trying to be budget friendly with my groceries so maybe my quality of food is affecting me as well. All I know is it sucks. Every night I have had awful pain and am usually pretty bloated. I don’t know what the deal is but I know I need to do everything in my power to fix it.

Let’s talk about guilty pleasures for a minute. After speaking with a friend last night, I realized I had not ‘indulged’ on my favorite treat in 25 days. 26 days today. Frozen yogurt was my jam. Seriously, if one food could make me happy, that would be it! I’m not going to spend a lot of time here and focus on it because it will make it unbearable to resist. I am proud of going this long without it. I used to get it 2-3 times a week. A WEEK! And I’m talking minimal yogurt and LOTS of toppings. All the toppings. All the unhealthy, gut busting toppings. My closest thing to frozen yogurt right now is some frozen berries topped with coconut cream.

I had a mini breakdown in Wilmington. It was bad. I almost let it ruin the trip. Wilmington has a Kilwin’s and if you don’t know what that is…. let’s just say they make their own waffle cones by the window and you can smell it forever. You cannot unsmell that smell. There is also a fondue restaurant that has a great fondue dessert. So there we were, sitting at dinner, and I said screw it. Let’s get fondue after this. Weston wasn’t having it. He kept reminding me how I would regret it tomorrow and it wouldn’t help me in any way except make me feel crappy. I tried to justify it by saying we were on vacation and it was the last night of my cleanse and I wanted to live a little! He was not having it at all. He was very firm in his no but loving as well. So then we walk by Kilwin’s again and I am dying on the inside. We walked by a store that had some fruit and I went in to get an apple. Their produce was in poor shape. It was actually kind of disgusting. BUT they had Larabars. I held one up and another firm ‘No Kara’ and that drove me to the point of silent tears. We walked up and down the streets as I hung my head and declared how unfair it was. I was still really hungry. Or maybe thirsty. I went for hungry though so we stopped at a restaurant I could eat at and got me some more food. And a mug of bacon. A MUG OF BACON. Noms. They had it listed as an appetizer but let’s get real, that’s just a side item.

I  miss certain foods really terribly. It is a constant struggle in my head to just say forget it and indulge on everything and not worry about it. I did that in January and if you know me, you know I packed on 20+ pounds FAST. I am struggling to lose half of that now. I think at that point in my life, I had a somewhat healthy relationship with food but was not fully equipped to be in a party situation where there were a lot of unhealthy food choices. I remember that night and the food that caused my downward spiral. No self control. No holding back. I called it ‘bulking.’ I wasn’t working out though. So there is that! I know my health is the most important aspect in this journey. Aesthetics and strength come after that. I have to focus on the health part first. That means my body and my mind. I have to get my mind right and in line with God’s word or my body isn’t going to follow. I have learned that while I still have a damaged relationship with Christ that I am trying to fix, I can’t do this journey without Him. I have relied on scripture to get me through my struggles and constant head battles. I don’t want the disappointment others would feel come to life. I used to never listen to Weston when it came to food because I would just get angry. Not at him particularly, but at his firmness and lovingness. It was like I didn’t want that at the time but the strong love was what I needed. I just chose not to listen to him. I don’t want to let him down now. He doesn’t hold me accountable all the time and I’m okay with that. I think that I am doing pretty good without a real accountability partner although it would be nice. I’m trying to hold on to the truths that God gives me and let those guide my way.

 

PS. Whole30 day 26.

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