I seem to always have this cycle of sabotaging myself and then trying to fix it.
I confessed Friday that I had frozen yogurt. It got worse. I tried to clean up the rest of Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday. And yesterday too. Didn’t happen. The poorest of poor eating choices I could imagine. Saturday night I made cupcakes to take to a women’s prayer meeting. They were very good and paleo. Not aip compliant but still not the worst thing in the world. They were topped with homemade whipped cream cheese icing. That I should not have made. I should have made the vegan icing. Way too much dairy, way too sweet, way too addicting. So I get to the meeting. There is junk food galore. I knew better. I did. But I indulged anyways and kept having to run to the bathroom. Too much dairy, way too sweet, way too addicting.
I left the meeting early. I had planned on bringing up my food addiction and allowing myself to be raw with women who care about me. I don’t think people really understand the struggles of food addiction. FOOD IS EVERYWHERE. And it’s not like drugs or something where I can go to rehab and never consume the sinful habit again. I have to eat every. single. day. So I don’t think people really understand it. It’s different than other addictions but I feel like they may be a little bit worse. It’s so readily available and socially acceptable. Unless you have it or some other kind of addiction, you won’t understand.
I got home and my husband and I were sitting on the couch. I was reading or something, he was doing the same. We heard a gun shot. Didn’t think much of it since the neighborhood is surrounded by woods. Maybe a critter or something was threatening someone. Fast forward maybe 20-30 minutes later and there are cop cars, ambulances, fire trucks, everything. So many cop cars. We found out that a man had committed suicide on his back deck. We didn’t know him but that WRECKED us. We heard it happen. It’s eerily haunting to know what happened when we heard that gun shot. Neither one of us slept well that night.
I woke up Sunday morning thinking that I was going to eat great today. And I did a bit. While cooking dinner I was sneaking handfuls of trail mix and yogurt covered gluten free pretzels. Then my husband went to bed. I started in with whatever I could get my hands on and just started eating and eating and eating and eating. Woke up Monday morning and started eating and eating and eating. Even after he went to bed, I just kept going. The triggers going off in my brain were so hard to fight off that I just gave in. I let myself get so consumed by demons that I honestly didn’t care what I felt like, looked like, or anything. I just wanted to eat anything I could get my hands on. I had gluten this and chocolate that. Whatever i wanted. Honestly, I think I consumed over 5,000 calories yesterday. People think, ‘oh my goodness, I ate 5 cookies, I totally binged.’ No. That is not anywhere close to a binge. In the hour after he went to bed and before I went to bed, I ate almost 1200 calories alone. 6 chocolate protein bars at 190 calories a piece. I don’t even know how many I ate through the day.
So here I am today. Tuesday morning. Brand new day. I don’t have the desire to binge. No cravings. Nothing. Which is surprising. I feel like death. I am bloated. I won’t go into detail about all my symptoms and ailments but it’s bad. I am going to start tracking calories and macros again. I’m just not at a point that I can not track. It just sets me up to eat more and more. At least it will give me some accountability. I am getting a macro plan for fat loss and it will tell me how much protein/carbs/fat to eat each day to reach my goals. IN A HEALTHY WAY. No low calorie starvation diets. No starvation. Then after that, I plan to reverse diet while maintaining whatever weight I am at at the end of the fat loss program. The higher my calorie intake for maintaining my weight, the easier it will be to cut when needed. Or I will do the body recomposition program. It’s slower progress but lasting. I will cross that bridge when it comes.
Today I plan on eating chicken stir fry for breakfast. I precooked some chicken tenders yesterday. I will cook some asparagus and zucchini, toss with the chicken until heated through and top with an avocado. Lunch will be turkey meatballs and broccoli. I have yet to make the meatballs yet but I will here soon. They are stuffed with herbs and veggies. Very yummy. Dinner is crockpot pork loin with carrots, zucchini, and cauliflower. On the side will be roasted acorn squash with coconut.
Food addiction sucks. Giving in to my demons sucks. Instead of focusing on the past that I can’t change, I will focus on the future and what I can prevent.
If any of my readers are interested in giving me extra accountability, my username on My Fitness Pal is Karagetsfit!