Tag Archives: food addiction

Marathon Running

No, I am not going to start training for a marathon. I am simply using that term as an analogy. Getting fit and healthy is NOT a race. It’s a long, drawn out marathon. I have to keep telling myself this. You know what is also not a race for me? Bouncing back from a binge-festa-palooza. Last Friday it started, it progressed and was full force Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday it slowed. Yesterday it has slowed even more. And it’s not that I binged all of those days… I have had treats and haven’t gotten back to my normal eating plan yet. My meals are good and good for me but I’m still indulging in my treats.

That’s why I feel in my marathon, sweets aren’t going to be a part of it anytime soon. That’s a hard pill to swallow. America runs on Dunkin! It’s true! We run on sugar and processed simple carbs and blood sugar spikes and crashes and pick me ups and UGH! I can not have dairy for the rest of my life except butter. Butter does not bother me. It actually helps me. Higher fat (good fat) seems to kick my metabolism into high gear.

In my marathon- I have to stick to whole foods. Simple. Easy. I need to get back to my wholeLIFE journey that I had started on. I am not waiting to start Monday. I have to start NOW. I know I can do this, I have done this many times before! And you know what, before I blew it with my treats the past couple of days, I WAS WITHIN MY CALORIES AND MACROS! By like, a few numbers. And I felt good! Granted I don’t feel sick from last nights froyo so I guess that’s a plus but that doesn’t mean that I get to have it again. Nope. Not today. Not tomorrow. Next week isn’t looking promising either.

We are going to my neighbors tonight for s’mores. Well, Weston will be eating them. I know I can’t. I HAVE TO END THIS VICIOUS CYCLE. I am going to with God’s help, not mine. God’s help, not Weston’s.

So, one thing I have noticed is that if you eat paleo then you automatically have to be a crossfitter. That’s not how it really is but that is what it seems like. I guess I will get to be the stereotypical paleo eater come Monday morning because I will be starting CrossFit. People think that I have really done crossfit before but the truth is, I haven’t really. The box (gym) I’ll be going to offers free Saturday classes that are scaled down to all fitness levels. I think I have done 3-4 of those. They aren’t real classes. I mean they can be but I dunno. I have never been to a structured class, taught the moves, and coached on form. I was doing childcare for the box for a couple of weeks in exchange for a membership but life was crazy since we were getting ready to move. So I stopped that for a while. But I start back Monday morning at 9:15 at Winston Salem Crossfit. I’ll be doing child watch as well during the week. I am excited but oh so nervous to be starting. Hopefully this will help me to stay motivated and will be different enough that I won’t get bored with it!

I’ll definitely keep updating about that progress!

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Sabotage.

I seem to always have this cycle of sabotaging myself and then trying to fix it.

I confessed Friday that I had frozen yogurt. It got worse. I tried to clean up the rest of Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday. And yesterday too. Didn’t happen. The poorest of poor eating choices I could imagine. Saturday night I made cupcakes to take to a women’s prayer meeting. They were very good and paleo. Not aip compliant but still not the worst thing in the world. They were topped with homemade whipped cream cheese icing. That I should not have made. I should have made the vegan icing. Way too much dairy, way too sweet, way too addicting. So I get to the meeting. There is junk food galore. I knew better. I did. But I indulged anyways and kept having to run to the bathroom. Too much dairy, way too sweet, way too addicting.

I left the meeting early. I had planned on bringing up my food addiction and allowing myself to be raw with women who care about me. I don’t think people really understand the struggles of food addiction. FOOD IS EVERYWHERE. And it’s not like drugs or something where I can go to rehab and never consume the sinful habit again. I have to eat every. single. day. So I don’t think people really understand it. It’s different than other addictions but I feel like they may be a little bit worse. It’s so readily available and socially acceptable. Unless you have it or some other kind of addiction, you won’t understand.

I got home and my husband and I were sitting on the couch. I was reading or something, he was doing the same. We heard a gun shot. Didn’t think much of it since the neighborhood is surrounded by woods. Maybe a critter or something was threatening someone. Fast forward maybe 20-30 minutes later and there are cop cars, ambulances, fire trucks, everything. So many cop cars. We found out that a man had committed suicide on his back deck. We didn’t know him but that WRECKED us. We heard it happen. It’s eerily haunting to know what happened when we heard that gun shot. Neither one of us slept well that night.

I woke up Sunday morning thinking that I was going to eat great today. And I did a bit. While cooking dinner I was sneaking handfuls of trail mix and yogurt covered gluten free pretzels. Then my husband went to bed. I started in with whatever I could get my hands on and just started eating and eating and eating and eating. Woke up Monday morning and started eating and eating and eating. Even after he went to bed, I just kept going. The triggers going off in my brain were so hard to fight off that I just gave in. I let myself get so consumed by demons that I honestly didn’t care what I felt like, looked like, or anything. I just wanted to eat anything I could get my hands on. I had gluten this and chocolate that. Whatever i wanted. Honestly, I think I consumed over 5,000 calories yesterday. People think, ‘oh my goodness, I ate 5 cookies, I totally binged.’ No. That is not anywhere close to a binge. In the hour after he went to bed and before I went to bed, I ate almost 1200 calories alone. 6 chocolate protein bars at 190 calories a piece. I don’t even know how many I ate through the day.

So here I am today. Tuesday morning. Brand new day. I don’t have the desire to binge. No cravings. Nothing. Which is surprising. I feel like death. I am bloated. I won’t go into detail about all my symptoms and ailments but it’s bad. I am going to start tracking calories and macros again. I’m just not at a point that I can not track. It just sets me up to eat more and more. At least it will give me some accountability. I am getting a macro plan for fat loss and it will tell me how much protein/carbs/fat to eat each day to reach my goals. IN A HEALTHY WAY. No low calorie starvation diets. No starvation. Then after that, I plan to reverse diet while maintaining whatever weight I am at at the end of the fat loss program. The higher my calorie intake for maintaining my weight, the easier it will be to cut when needed. Or I will do the body recomposition program. It’s slower progress but lasting. I will cross that bridge when it comes.

Today I plan on eating chicken stir fry for breakfast. I precooked some chicken tenders yesterday. I will cook some asparagus and zucchini, toss with the chicken until heated through and top with an avocado. Lunch will be turkey meatballs and broccoli. I have yet to make the meatballs yet but I will here soon. They are stuffed with herbs and veggies. Very yummy. Dinner is crockpot pork loin with carrots, zucchini, and cauliflower. On the side will be roasted acorn squash with coconut.

Food addiction sucks. Giving in to my demons sucks. Instead of focusing on the past that I can’t change, I will focus on the future and what I can prevent.

If any of my readers are interested in giving me extra accountability, my username on My Fitness Pal is Karagetsfit!

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Confession time

Well. I don’t even know how to start this. I was completely fine. I had a bit of a stressful day. My mother-in-law has the boys so I have been running around all morning running errands. I  had a very unsuccessful gym session in which I did maybe 2 lifts and left. I couldn’t get into it. I don’t know why but I couldn’t. I ended up sharing testimonies with a trainer there so that wasn’t time wasted at all.

I took my dad out to lunch. Something didn’t sit right with me. I think it might have been the yams. I don’t know what they were mixed with but they had some sort of coating. Not so much a coating, but a sauce. Most likely canned yams with God knows what. I came home to sort out my groceries and portion out meat for the week. I started mindlessly snacking on banana chips. They don’t even taste that great but they are plain and there. So I snacked and snacked. That’s when the craving hit me. Frozen yogurt. It hit hard. I justified it beyond belief in my mind. I got up to go to the fridge, determined to fight it. I ate an apple. Didn’t help.

I got in my car and left. I got the biggest bowl and filled it with all the crap I could. I ate every. last. drop. THEN, I ate a coconut secret’s mint chocolate bar. Not horrible but definitely doesn’t help my cravings.

Now, I’m sitting here trying to sort out everything running through my brain. My hormones are out of whack from that one indulgence. My hormones are telling me that I am still hungry, trying to convince myself to eat more and more and more. My body, on the other hand, is completely stuffed. I cannot imagine even eating another morsel of food today because I feel like I am going to burst. All it takes is one meal to completely throw off your bodies balance. ONE MEAL. ONE SNACK. ONE INDULGENCE. Not to mention the addictive qualities of the sugar and gluten I consumed HOURS ago. It makes me want more and more and more. I’m not going to eat more.

Normally, I would give in to everything right now. Hey, I already fell off the wagon, might as well turn around and go to the nearest candy store and make them go out of business. Not this time. I don’t operate like that anymore. I slipped up one time.

I texted my husband and confessed to him what I did. God was telling me way before I left the house to reach out to him but I ignored Him. Wes would have talked me out of it. He would have told me everything I already know and maybe I would have listened. But I didn’t. I almost didn’t tell him at all. Even afterwards. That is a real addicts personality right now. Ashamed, eating in secret. I didn’t want to be associated like that. So I told him and held my breath for his reply. He wasn’t mad. I thought he would be but he wasn’t. That made me feel somewhat better. I was in tears texting him. But once he told me he wasn’t upset with me and to just pick myself up and move forward, I felt instantly better. I disappointed myself, for sure. I know he was disappointed too but he wasn’t mad. Not like before anyways. After I would confess about my in secret binge-fests, I could always see it in his face. He even took food out of my hands and threw it away because I was stuffing myself full of it knowing dang well that I was going to make myself sick.

That’s what it takes. Someone to step in and hold you accountable. Honestly, he has been the only person that has been supportive of me and my dietary needs. No one else understands addiction like a former addict. I need him to be there for me when I am going through these temptations. Not only him, but I turn to God too. I  have my go to scripts that I recite out loud and in my head. I have my scripture that I meditate on. It helps. I mentally pray. I have yet to pray out loud about this. I feel like if I pray out loud it will make it more real. I have a journal that I write it but I don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve written in it. UGHHHHH.

God knows I’m here. He knows that I am struggling. He provides me with what I need even if I don’t flat out ask for it. He knows me better than I know myself. I mentioned the other night in small groups, I think that I have so many God stories because He knows how quickly I am to go back on everything and doubt myself and my faith. He always gives me constant reminders that He is here and He has it under control.

I’ve been reading the Made To Crave devotional on the bible app. (And I am a couple of days behind). Yesterday’s or the day before hit really close. I had misquoted my go to verse and I ended up looking up the verses that I said instead of my verse. 1 Corinthians 10:13. Still completely applicable to my journey with this food addiction. “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” God is so faithful. He has been faithful even before I acknowledged his presence. My story is a clear indicator of that.

I know I am going to beat this addiction. I know it. I can feel it deep in my bones because God has my back. He is my Father and He protects his sons and daughters.

I totally didn’t mean for this to turn into a Godfest but apparently He did. Sharing my struggle can help others and that’s all I could ask for. I wouldn’t wish this struggle on my worst enemy.

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