Day 4 and my false idol

Today marks day 4 of the 21-day cleanse. I am already planning on continuing it further as I am learning much more about myself than I realized. Or intended.

Along side with doing this, I have been reading the book Made To Crave. I started it a few weeks ago and am taking my time with reading it. It has personal reflection questions that I actually take the time to sit down and write my answers.

What’s funny is I didn’t even think I had a food addiction until I fell into disordered eating in my quest to lose weight. I mean, I always knew that I turned to food for comfort but I just assumed that was a girl thing, a time of the month thing, something deeply ingrained in my head. But when restricting myself too much, I often (always) ended up binging on anything and everything. Even when I found out I was gluten intolerant, I continued to poison myself for that quick indulgence. Needless to say, even after not restricting myself any longer, eating healthy, and an appropriate amount, I still struggled with binging. And these weren’t, ‘oh, I just ate a candy bar, I totally binged,’ these were, ‘oh, I just consumed 3,000+ calories in 30 minutes.’ I wouldn’t stop until I couldn’t fathom another morsel of food in my mouth and then I would have one more.

I finally kicked the binging habit. I stopped restricting myself. I would eat my healthy foods and then fill in the rest of my calorie allowance with whatever I wanted. I was still giving in to my cravings, thinking that they were going to fill some void. Instead, they just filled my stomach and caused bloating and other gastro problems.

Here I am, day 4, on the most restrictive meal plan I have ever attempted. I sit here thinking of all the foods I can’t have. Thinking of everything I want to eat. I let my stomach rule me. It was my god. It was letting me down. And now, I am not letting it rule me anymore. I am made for more than this vicious cycle.

They say that treats are okay as long as they are in moderation. Moderation is not a word in my food eating dictionary. I can not bite into something sweet without wanting more, and more, and more, and more. Next thing I know, I’m depressed because of everything I ate and I regret it. Riddled with guilt. You don’t let an alcoholic have just a sip of booze. They won’t stop there.

I really don’t think any of my friends realize how big of a problem this food addiction thing is. I hope that you can learn more about me from it. This is my thorn and it will always be in my side. But with God, He will give me the strength to overcome it.